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DISCLAIMER: The article below is written after the author has endured 10 challenging sessions with probably the most paranoid driving instructor yet, and was written in a state of acute mental disturbance. The views expressed below might change with time, and any unpleasent/offensive references to any single person/group of people, is unintended.
Are you just waiting to piss someone off? Are you in in that particular kind of mood in which your sole objective is to instigate anger and irritation in the lifeforms around you? I get into that kind of mood after Ive eaten too much cooked Carrot sometimes....
As I was saying, if you are in that kind of mood, and, by some startling combination of lacklustre imagination and a general mental laziness, are not able to think of a single plan to undertake your initiative, then fret not: I have got a solution which can not only be initiated very quickly, but guarentees some pretty amazing results.
Heres the deal. Go to a driving school, tell them you want to learn to drive a car, jump into one of their vehicles with instructor in tow, and get going, making sure you never ever use your indicators and only use the frantic waving of your hands as turning signals.
Those self-obsessed primates piloting fleet Qualises and Sumos will do all the honking and flashing that you will ever hope to do in your life, and will smother you with choice swear words as they pass you after making a seemingly impossible overtaking maneuvre.
People piloting privately owned Scorpios with fast-paced rock-n-roll music reveberating through their diesel-glugging behemoths have their own equally high-up-there attitude (though, as far as physical meaning is concerned, they do have a point), and make sure they pass you, and cut you off abrubtly, after performing the customary honking-flashing sequence.
Its the same with Ford Ikons, and Hyundai Accents. Same old attitude, same old everything.
The autokarans refrain from honking, but find it neccesary to pull up alongside you at traffic signals thoughtfully proferring valuable advise on how to pilot a motorised vehicle, failing to realise that there is a trained driving instructor on the other side of the car.
What all these people fail to realise is that the poor soul behind the wheel of the vehicle is not going beyond 35 because he or she isnt allowed to, because his/her driving instructor said so. He/she SHALL change to third at 5 kmph and he/she SHALL let go of the throttle 500 metres before every turning, the instructor's intention being coasting slowly to the turning at about 10 kmph, so that by the time one approaches a turn he has half of the city's motor vehicles waiting to pass him/her, and is doing zero kilometres an hour by the time he/she has come to the turn, and is turning the steering wheel in a vain attempt to get the car to make the turn while remaining still, all the while enduring the curses of the instructor who still keeps mouthing the immortal words "dont touch the throttle" like a mantra.
And then there is the other problem. The driving instructor alloted to me, found it ok to teach me the nuances of clutch operation when getting the car off from a standing start in first gear, for the very first time ever, mind, at a traffic signal.
Obviously, the car lurched forward for an instant and stalled with a sickening grunch. Obviously, the instructor was nettled because there were people waiting around me, with their appointments to keep up. Obviously, I did it again after my second attempt. ( by this time, the instructor was telling me how I must try not to obstruct traffic) Obviously, I was more frantic when I tried the third time (As things were getting really ugly at that junction), and, once again, the same results. The instructor was really mad by now, and realised that he'd better do it himself, rather than me.
It was what he asked next that will remain seared in my memory forever.
Pulling away finally from the chaos, he turned a sweat-stained face and glared at me. He seemed to be unable to speak for a split second, and then he spluttered out (I swear this is true) " Are you doing this on purpose?"
FOR WHAT JOY? Being screamed at by most of the city's mobile population for blocking a traffic intersection first thing the morning? For the thrill of listening to a piece of machinery being forcibly shut down by an inexperienced piece of handling by a rookie?
Why couldnt he have taken me to an empty street and taught me this particular thing there? Why introduce me to it in a crowded intersection, and expect me to do it right first time?
Of course, not a single trace of these underlying thoughts was ever shown by me, and I managed with a sheepish grin.
The funny thing was, the minute the ignition key was turned off, the instructor autmotically transformed into a kind, mild-mannered man. And the minute it was turned back on, his driving-instructor instincts would switch him back to the old, foul-tempered, paranoid mode.
You cant really entirely blame those angry motorists, can you? Cant forgive them altogether ( a little more patience wont hurt anyone), but even I used to get irritated with driving school cars stalling in the middle of the road.
'Used to'. Note that word usage. Now, I wouldnt mind so much, because I might at least understand the helplessness of the student behind the wheel, and not just with reference to his/her inexperience.
Are you just waiting to piss someone off? Are you in in that particular kind of mood in which your sole objective is to instigate anger and irritation in the lifeforms around you? I get into that kind of mood after Ive eaten too much cooked Carrot sometimes....
As I was saying, if you are in that kind of mood, and, by some startling combination of lacklustre imagination and a general mental laziness, are not able to think of a single plan to undertake your initiative, then fret not: I have got a solution which can not only be initiated very quickly, but guarentees some pretty amazing results.
Heres the deal. Go to a driving school, tell them you want to learn to drive a car, jump into one of their vehicles with instructor in tow, and get going, making sure you never ever use your indicators and only use the frantic waving of your hands as turning signals.
Those self-obsessed primates piloting fleet Qualises and Sumos will do all the honking and flashing that you will ever hope to do in your life, and will smother you with choice swear words as they pass you after making a seemingly impossible overtaking maneuvre.
People piloting privately owned Scorpios with fast-paced rock-n-roll music reveberating through their diesel-glugging behemoths have their own equally high-up-there attitude (though, as far as physical meaning is concerned, they do have a point), and make sure they pass you, and cut you off abrubtly, after performing the customary honking-flashing sequence.
Its the same with Ford Ikons, and Hyundai Accents. Same old attitude, same old everything.
The autokarans refrain from honking, but find it neccesary to pull up alongside you at traffic signals thoughtfully proferring valuable advise on how to pilot a motorised vehicle, failing to realise that there is a trained driving instructor on the other side of the car.
What all these people fail to realise is that the poor soul behind the wheel of the vehicle is not going beyond 35 because he or she isnt allowed to, because his/her driving instructor said so. He/she SHALL change to third at 5 kmph and he/she SHALL let go of the throttle 500 metres before every turning, the instructor's intention being coasting slowly to the turning at about 10 kmph, so that by the time one approaches a turn he has half of the city's motor vehicles waiting to pass him/her, and is doing zero kilometres an hour by the time he/she has come to the turn, and is turning the steering wheel in a vain attempt to get the car to make the turn while remaining still, all the while enduring the curses of the instructor who still keeps mouthing the immortal words "dont touch the throttle" like a mantra.
And then there is the other problem. The driving instructor alloted to me, found it ok to teach me the nuances of clutch operation when getting the car off from a standing start in first gear, for the very first time ever, mind, at a traffic signal.
Obviously, the car lurched forward for an instant and stalled with a sickening grunch. Obviously, the instructor was nettled because there were people waiting around me, with their appointments to keep up. Obviously, I did it again after my second attempt. ( by this time, the instructor was telling me how I must try not to obstruct traffic) Obviously, I was more frantic when I tried the third time (As things were getting really ugly at that junction), and, once again, the same results. The instructor was really mad by now, and realised that he'd better do it himself, rather than me.
It was what he asked next that will remain seared in my memory forever.
Pulling away finally from the chaos, he turned a sweat-stained face and glared at me. He seemed to be unable to speak for a split second, and then he spluttered out (I swear this is true) " Are you doing this on purpose?"
FOR WHAT JOY? Being screamed at by most of the city's mobile population for blocking a traffic intersection first thing the morning? For the thrill of listening to a piece of machinery being forcibly shut down by an inexperienced piece of handling by a rookie?
Why couldnt he have taken me to an empty street and taught me this particular thing there? Why introduce me to it in a crowded intersection, and expect me to do it right first time?
Of course, not a single trace of these underlying thoughts was ever shown by me, and I managed with a sheepish grin.
The funny thing was, the minute the ignition key was turned off, the instructor autmotically transformed into a kind, mild-mannered man. And the minute it was turned back on, his driving-instructor instincts would switch him back to the old, foul-tempered, paranoid mode.
You cant really entirely blame those angry motorists, can you? Cant forgive them altogether ( a little more patience wont hurt anyone), but even I used to get irritated with driving school cars stalling in the middle of the road.
'Used to'. Note that word usage. Now, I wouldnt mind so much, because I might at least understand the helplessness of the student behind the wheel, and not just with reference to his/her inexperience.
posted by islero88 at 7:26 AM
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